25 year old morning thoughts

So I'm 25 today. Officially at like...7:01 PM...or something like that. I'll have to ask mom to be sure, I could have that completely off.
I don't feel any different. Just the same me I've felt like for the last 2 or 3 years, give or take.
This morning, on my 25th birthday, I woke up thinking that I want electric blue in my hair. I may make that happen Tuesday. I also started thinking about this here world we live in.
I guess these are weird thoughts to be having on one's birthday but eh, after about 17 I kinda stopped liking birthdays so...it really just feels like any other day except cake is involved. And anyway, we're celebrating tomorrow instead of today.
But I digress. After thinking about blue hair, I started thinking about the world, again. And I've been thinking about it a lot lately. You know, I just don't get it. I think I must've been born into the wrong era. I belong back in the day somewhere. Not in 2012. My morals, my desires...they just don't match up with the American standard I'm surrounded with. Or the Earth standard I'm surrounded with, even.
It gets me down, man.
I can't help but wonder what happened to integrity. ...wait this is a Goldfinger song. Yes--Spokesman by Goldfinger. Anyway. What happened to the idea that people need to think about other people more often than themselves? What is SO bad about trying to make other people happy, especially those you love? I'm sick and tired of seeing nothing but selfishness in people. I'm tired of seeing and hearing about people cheating on their spouses. I'm angry at the fact that people can't do things for others without being told or wanting something in return. I've about had it up to here with women who dress and act the way they think men want them to because sex sells and they don't respect themselves more than that.  (these are just examples of things I'm baffled by and fed up with.)
And there's nothing I can do about it. Except hate it all and wish the world would wake up and be better.
Sometimes it feels like I (and maybe a few others) am the only one who strives for betterness. I'm not saying I'm perfect or have all the answers--I wish--but if there's one thing I can say...it's that I TRY really hard to be a better person than I am at a base level. To think and care about other people rather than just myself and go to great lengths to make those I love happy if that's what it takes.
On my 25th birthday...I wish that people would just try harder. and care.
On my 25th birthday...I just keep thinking how I'd like to pull a Walden Pond experience and just get away from the oppressiveness I feel from the world around me most of the time. Get back to the basics and live like humans were intended to live. And really LIVE! Have real experiences. Not just..."do what you do to get by" to quote Against Me!
On my 25th birthday...I wonder if anybody else sees the world like this and is with me.
On my 25th birthday...I wonder what I can do to make the world I don't fit in a little bit nicer place or if there's anything I can do to make a difference.
I'm not depressed about it. I'm just thinking. And wishing the world wasn't so...jaded. Or...maybe that I would be less jaded about the world. Or both.
I'm 25. And I just wanna feel like I'm getting the most out of life. And sometimes I really do feel that way. And I need to figure out how to fill up my life with really LIVING. and loving. And caring.
It seems most people value the fact that they don't care about anything. They think it makes them free.
....I disagree. I think it traps you inside yourself. Because what you really care about when you don't care about "anything" is you and only you. And that's living inside a tight, suffocating bubble.
And I refuse.

NC

When I woke up on the flight from Dallas we were right over Charlotte and I never thought my heart would swell that much at the sight of a place. You can say what you want about North Carolina but nobody will ever be able to convince me that this isn't the best state in the U.S. :). It really is beautiful here. All the green is just feeding my eyes and heart, it feels like.

Don't get me wrong--I'm happy to be in El Paso with Noah. My heart belongs wherever he is. But my feet...ah, my feet belong here on this soil.

25 on the 25th wishlist! :)

Well, I'm turning 25 on the 25th! For anyone who wants to shower me with gifts or buy my love ;) here're some ideas. 

1. These pants from Target:

size 15, color: thunderbolt blue

2. These jeans from Target:

size 15, color: medium wash

3. skirt...from Target...:

size: large

4. shirt....from...Target...

size: XL

5. lol, okay so maybe just a target gift card...I love all their clothes.

6. star nose screw for my new nose piercing! ;) yes, i got my nose pierced today :D

7. Awesome Van Gogh Kindle Decal Skin

8. The Hunger Games movie!!! Coming out the 18th! 

and...

9. Since the army says he can't be here on my birthday :(-- a phone call from my amazingly hot and wonderful husband :). Hopefully he'll be able to call!! 

maaaybe i'll add more later but for now, that's really all that comes to mind. 

The mountains will bring me comfort. The smell of white dianthus flowers in the side yard always means the roads I have followed have brought me back home. Sleep hasn't come easy for a long time now. I'm hoping cicadas singing outside at night in the grass will send me off to the sleep I used to know.
My heart's a little cracked with all this desert heat.

Bucket List, Military Wives, The Resolution, and Other Thoughts

So yesterday was a pretty awesome day. I went to check out the military wives group at the church I've been going to here in El Paso. First off, the ladies seem great! There were only about 6 of us yesterday but that's fine. And the most bizarre connection happened, lol. I met Cindy, who lived in Hickory, NC  right next door to Taylorsville. Turns out...her husband was Noah's army recruiter 5 years ago. AND they have 2 corgis! What are the odds? We're going to try to hang out this weekend and let the pups play together! I'm pretty excited about that.
The group is going through and reading/studying this book called The Resolution for Women. If you've seen the movies Fireproof (which I haven't seen yet actually) and Courageous (which I recommend for anyone but especially men and especially, especially fathers/fathers-to-be) ((it's a realy awesome movie. Typically I don't make a habit of watching "religious" movies...but that one was absolutely great. I loved it and would love to watch it again in fact). Anyway. In Courageous, if you haven't seen it, these regular joe dudes, who happen to be husbands and fathers, decide that they want to change the way they do things and be the best possible fathers, husbands, members of the community that they can be. So they make a resolution with each other and sign it. I don't remember what all it says but it's pretty outstanding. I know it was just a movie but...why not implement things like that into our lives for real?

I've just been thinking a lot lately: I don't want to look back on my life at the end and wish that I had done things drastically different.

There's no such thing as "no regrets". But I think there is such a thing as incredibly satisfied. Satisfied that you've made mistakes but tried to right and learn from them. Satisfied that you loved the people in your life to the best of your ability. Satisfied that you were a good parent, wife/husband, friend. That you were honest. That you fulfilled your purpose in this life.

And it was crazy because I'd been thinking all that before I went to this group and then the very first section we went through in the book talked about being satisfied. The first point on the book's resolution list is: "I do solemnly resolve to embrace my current season of life and will maximize my time in it. I will resist the urge to hurry through or circumvent any portion of my journey but will live with a spirit of contentment."
...You can't tell me it's just coincidence. You know, I've been praying a lot lately. A lot, a lot. I had at least two prayers answered clearly in one day:
1)That people would be put in my path to be friends with and encourage my spiritual growth. --This group is perfect for that. Ladies who are there for the same reason I am, who want to grow spiritually and are military wives in the same position I am. And are so nice and lovely and I felt comfortable around them.
2)Help in being a better me, the best me I can be. --I mean, that's what this book is all about. And I didn't really know that going into it. I just knew it was a book study with military wives discussing God's purpose for us as women/wives/moms/friends.
It's becoming more clear to me that praying isn't just talking to the ceiling (although admittedly, sometimes it feels like it...).  It's nice to be able to see the connections and know that there's a path for me to follow, that life is more than just a string of coincidences. It's purposeful. And you are given what you need.

Also, in line with these thoughts. I'm thinking about starting a bucket list. Things that I definitely want to do, see and experience in my life. It's kind of daunting though, lol. I feel like if I make this list I'm definitely and seriously committing to those things (I hate making a to do list and not doing everything on it...like, it kills me to not complete a to do list--thank you art school). So I dunno. It's a maybe. It would be pretty cool though.

Appa Gene GypsyQueen

The one and only: Appa Gene GypsyQueen

We brought this little lady home on the 5th! Finally got my corgi baby :).

She's named after Appa, a character on the cartoon Avatar: The Last Airbender and Eugene Hutz, the singer of Gogol Bordello (that's where the GypsyQueen also comes into play--they're a "gypsy-punk" band, Noah and I both like their music and Eugene's gypsy-ness)!

 Not gonna lie, she's a bit of a handful but she's also only 8 weeks old. She's a pretty good pup and a lot of fun. Just working on teaching her that nipping, biting and chewing on anything other than her toys is a no-no. Gonna take a while, she's a herder after all. Appa's definitely good company for me while Noah's out in the field training, though. And when the deployment rolls around I know she's going to be good for me to have around for sure. Extremely excited we finally got a dog!

Cloudcroft

(Spectacular view from our hotel--you can see White Sands in the distance there)

Noah and I just got back from an awesome marriage retreat in Cloudcroft, New Mexico. The army sucks a lot sometimes...and then sometimes it's really cool. They paid for everything except the transportation to the hotel and outside activities. Which consisted of MOUNTAIN BIKING for us! :D

I've been biking a lot but never mountain biking. The trail was pretty easy going for a while and then we decided to check out the downhill canyon trail. Holy crap. That thing was pretty crazy and I'm sure it was nowhere near some of the stuff hardcore mountain bikers take on. I had a wipeout. For a second I really though it was a possibility I'd broken my knee cap on a rock as I smashed right into it and also skidded into another with my face (full of dirt). Buttt after the initial scare, all was well except for a nasty bruise on my knee, a cut across it and some scrapes on my chin and arms. Lol, I felt a lot like a little kid actually. I wailed and hyperventilated for a minute or two and then I realized I was okay. Poor Noah, I know I scared him to death. I was definitely glad he was right there to take care of me and calm me down, though.

(Saw this guy on the trail!)

Cloudcroft was pretty cool. Just a tiny little speck of a town but it kind of feels like paradise in the middle of the desert. The land changes all of a sudden once you get past the lower mountains and it's green with grass and pines and the air is crisp and wonderfully cool! Not much to do up there besides nature stuff, but hey, that's my cup of tea so I was right at home.

(view from one of the trails)

The retreat itself was great too. The chaplain hit home with several subjects he talked about, just stuff we've been dealing with as a married couple and even though we have a solid and great relationship (I'm not just saying that for the sake of my blog, we really do.) it strengthened the bond and helped us move past some things we needed to. It definitely helped me realize some things I need to work on and be more aware of within myself for our marriage--stress management and clear communication at the top of that list. Anyway, it was just good. And I think we both needed a weekend away and to hear what the chaplain had to say in the training sessions. We even had a vow renewal at the end for all the couples who wanted to participate. :)

I'm also super glad we tried out the mountain biking together. We both had a lot of fun with it even in the wake of my going over the handlebars. Hope we can do more of that in the future...with knee pads. haha ;)

"Returning to the Fold"

My favorite Thermals song (Returning to the Fold) has these lines: "I regret leaving my soul, I forgot I needed it to feel...I regret leaving my mind, I forgot I needed it to think, and maybe to keep me alive, can't believe I got so far with a head so empty...I regret leaving it all, I forgot I needed God like a big brother..."(although I don't see God like a big brother, exactly, that notion of a guiding and protective force definitely resonates with me).

I'm a little wary about writing this note. It seems that most of the time folks tend to think when people talk about their beliefs and faith it's fanaticism and crazy talk, right? I mean, I've thought that about people before too. Hah, so here I am, finding out that I'm a hypocrite--not for the first time and probably not for the last time in my life. I'll try to keep this short...but I'm long winded. If it's too long, that's cool you don't have to read it. I just felt like I had to say it.

My journey's been interesting lately and I've been stuck in my head a lot. Along the way I've made this realization : for the last few years religious topics have been something that I've rolled my eyes at or avoided in most ways. Not because I thought they were bogus or wrong, deep down...but because I built up a wall. This was a result of having been totally convinced that I could only depend on myself. Not anyone else. And not God. (That being said--I fully believe God helps those that help themselves. But just because you have to make the move and be the catalyst to get the ball rolling doesn't mean the opportunity isn't placed in front of you, isn't made to happen.)

I guess that's one of the things that sparked the need for change. I've just realized the connections, the ways that have been shut and opened for me  like doors--like I realize their openings and closings and it is too uncanny, too bizarre to not be for a purpose and to not have something or someone making sure it happens that way. I've also been dealing with a lot of stuff that has made me turn to scripture, seeking some kind of understanding. It's also been bizarre how what I've read applies directly to what I've been thinking or dealing with, again in such an uncanny way.

The bottom line is, that for the past few years give or take...I feel like in a way, I've been pretending to be something I'm not. I've put my faith and religious practices on the back burner because I didn't want people to think I'm any weirder or crazy than I already am. That somehow it made me less approachable/able to relate...and I have that problem enough as it is. But you know, if there's anything I really hate to do--it's pretending to be something I'm not in general. So if I talk about my experiences, how I feel the presence of my creator in my life and you think I'm being fake...I'm actually being a lot less fake than I have been in a long time. The truth about me is that I have a strong faith. That I like going to church and learning from scripture/trying to apply what I learn there to my life. It's not my intention to convince anyone they need to believe in God. That's not my job, it's God's. I just wanted to say that I believe and feel the presence of my creator so strongly I'm tired of not talking about it or acknowledging it outwardly. I feel like I can't exist properly without this connection or without living like it's a part of me.

THE WEST!

Well, it's a world of difference out here, that's for sure. 


Driving into El Paso that first night seeing a billion lights spread out for what looked like a billion miles was kind of overwhelming. It helped a lot to go straight to Noah's great aunt and uncle's house to meet them and see his cousin Lety (who we're staying with and I'd already met). Nice to see friendly and familiar faces straight away and to have that initial apprehension quelled. People seem nice around here though from what I can tell.


I haven't seen all that much of the city yet or experienced a whole lot as we've been trying to square things away with finding a place to live and we only have one car right now. However, I think I can say with some confidence that I like it here. Right now the weather's just fine--feels like spring. I know it's gonna get hot but I'll learn to deal. Interested to see what heat without humidity is like. Oh and I did experience a dust storm already--weird to see a brown sky, hah. Really didn't think it was that bad as I wasn't out walking in it. 


We found a house the second day we were here which is lucky and kind of crazy! We found one we liked and went to fill out the applications, got approved and decided to jump on it since there were other people who had already taken applications but hadn't returned them yet. I was a little iffy at getting one so soon without looking much but Noah pointed out that it had everything we wanted and was in the part of town we wanted so--why not? Pictures sometime soon. It's pretty adorable and I can't wait for us to be able to make it our own for the time we're in El Paso. 


Speaking of pictures, I can't wait til I get around the city more to start snapping away! Got a couple of rolls to develop once I get some chemicals and a couple developing tanks. Oh also, the sound post on my violin came loose yesterday, which won't mean much to anyone probably but I'm kinda bummed. I wanted to start playing again soon. Now I have to wait til I can take it in and get it fixed ::le sigh:: oh well. At least it's fixable.

Itching

Man, my eyes and my camera lens are just itching to see something new! I guess I'll get my fill of that come March. A road trip to El Paso! And a move there to boot. Thinking I might take a trip to Asheville or Charlotte soon. Just need to see something other than Taylorsville for a day or so. Walk around. Snap some photos. Ya know.

Missing Things

I find myself wishing to be near these people/things today:

1. Noah. :( I miss my lazypanda.Terribly.

2. Boone. Hiking when I'm bored instead of sitting around going crazy.

3. Don. My brother from another mother and driver co-pilot.

4. Throwing dance parties.

5. Biking

6. Caroline. And dinner, movies, and cookies, and sometimes coloring books.

Wedding Recap

It just occurred to me I haven't even touched on the wedding here in blog world. Dad and I watched the DVD of it today as I hadn't seen it yet and I was just smiling the whole time. 

All I can say is--it was perfect. The decorations were more beautiful than I had hoped, so many of our friends and family were there, and the ceremony itself was just...perfect. There's no other word for it. 

We wrote our own vows, and I guess that was my favorite part. When we got married "officially" at the courthouse in July we said the standard vows. But this time we got to say what we really wanted each other to know; got to spell out our commitment in our own way and voice. I thought both sets of vows were exactly "us" and beautiful. 

I don't really have much more to say than that. It's a day I could relive every single day, that much is for sure. It was absolutely amazing.  

2012 Resolution and Things

I have decided on a pretty huge challenge for my new year resolution:

To really work on not letting myself get so stressed out over things.

Seriously, this is a huge HUGE challenge as I pretty much get stressed over everything--wanting things to be perfect, figured out and done as immediately as possible.

I have no idea how to go about it all, exactly--it pretty much goes against my personality not to worry and plan and make list after list after list of what must be done and when. But I feel it's something I really need to work on.

So will I be successful in this endeavor? I have no clue. Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know how possible it is to change the roots of your personality. I just know it's unhealthy for me to be as stressed out as I am most of the time. We'll see how this goes. Any tips, books, advice--are absolutely welcome.

As for life--Noah went back to Germany yesterday :(. But should only be gone for a month-ish. Then he comes back and we have a little while in NC and then off to El Paso. Hah, this will no doubt make my new year challenge even harder. ;)

Ah, 2011 was extremely epic. At the end of January/first of February, I started dating Noah (after 11 years of being close friends), July we got engaged and 4 days after that we were married :), June-July took my first trip overseas to the UK, then October my second trip overseas to Germany, August moved back home, December had a wedding, got a new car... all in the span of 12 months. So yes--Epic doesn't even cover it. But I feel like 2012 is going to be even better-- I'm looking forward to this move. Actually I'm really looking forward to all of 2012. I'm happy that this year Noah and I won't have to be apart like we were this past year. We get to have a home together, I get to move to a brand new place, we just got a new car--new new new! I feel like that's the word of 2012. I'm ready for new--adventures abound!