"Returning to the Fold"

My favorite Thermals song (Returning to the Fold) has these lines: "I regret leaving my soul, I forgot I needed it to feel...I regret leaving my mind, I forgot I needed it to think, and maybe to keep me alive, can't believe I got so far with a head so empty...I regret leaving it all, I forgot I needed God like a big brother..."(although I don't see God like a big brother, exactly, that notion of a guiding and protective force definitely resonates with me).

I'm a little wary about writing this note. It seems that most of the time folks tend to think when people talk about their beliefs and faith it's fanaticism and crazy talk, right? I mean, I've thought that about people before too. Hah, so here I am, finding out that I'm a hypocrite--not for the first time and probably not for the last time in my life. I'll try to keep this short...but I'm long winded. If it's too long, that's cool you don't have to read it. I just felt like I had to say it.

My journey's been interesting lately and I've been stuck in my head a lot. Along the way I've made this realization : for the last few years religious topics have been something that I've rolled my eyes at or avoided in most ways. Not because I thought they were bogus or wrong, deep down...but because I built up a wall. This was a result of having been totally convinced that I could only depend on myself. Not anyone else. And not God. (That being said--I fully believe God helps those that help themselves. But just because you have to make the move and be the catalyst to get the ball rolling doesn't mean the opportunity isn't placed in front of you, isn't made to happen.)

I guess that's one of the things that sparked the need for change. I've just realized the connections, the ways that have been shut and opened for me  like doors--like I realize their openings and closings and it is too uncanny, too bizarre to not be for a purpose and to not have something or someone making sure it happens that way. I've also been dealing with a lot of stuff that has made me turn to scripture, seeking some kind of understanding. It's also been bizarre how what I've read applies directly to what I've been thinking or dealing with, again in such an uncanny way.

The bottom line is, that for the past few years give or take...I feel like in a way, I've been pretending to be something I'm not. I've put my faith and religious practices on the back burner because I didn't want people to think I'm any weirder or crazy than I already am. That somehow it made me less approachable/able to relate...and I have that problem enough as it is. But you know, if there's anything I really hate to do--it's pretending to be something I'm not in general. So if I talk about my experiences, how I feel the presence of my creator in my life and you think I'm being fake...I'm actually being a lot less fake than I have been in a long time. The truth about me is that I have a strong faith. That I like going to church and learning from scripture/trying to apply what I learn there to my life. It's not my intention to convince anyone they need to believe in God. That's not my job, it's God's. I just wanted to say that I believe and feel the presence of my creator so strongly I'm tired of not talking about it or acknowledging it outwardly. I feel like I can't exist properly without this connection or without living like it's a part of me.