just let me vent, a minute.

Maybe if i stood on my head and looked at everything that way the world would look better.

I've got a shitty attitude right now. Not helped by the fact that night after night I can't sleep and also that I'm pretty miserable here. It's not being home, it's not living with my parents--it's just that this isn't where my heart is. But there's not much I can do about that right now. I know it does no good to complain but..what the hell else am I supposed to do when that's how I feel?

It'll be over soon. I know that. But I swear to God, it feels like it will never end sometimes. I tried to think back on the past 2 months yesterday and realized they kind of just slipped by me. So time's passing but it doesn't feel like it at all.

I'm trying my best to stay busy. To keep my mind off negative feelings and thoughts. But that's a lot easier said than done. Nobody said it would be easy, right? Well, nobody told me how to keep my sanity either.

Everybody keeps telling me to enjoy the time I have left here...but what's to enjoy when my life is on hold? It's a brand new feeling, not having your life in the same place you are. Not having your heart in your chest or your head able to concentrate on anything else for very long. The only thing that matters to me anymore is Noah. And our life together. ...And I'm not there to be with him or to live it. I'm frustrated and I'm sad. And words can't express how much I can't wait for this being apart bullshit to come to an end.

And there's nothing to do but wait it out. One long, wasted day after another.

...can't sleep ramblings

why the hell am I awake?! This not-sleeping thing has got to end soon. I do not approve...and neither does my health, probably.

I figured this would be longer but...it turns out I have nothing to say. Here's hoping I can finally crash and get some sleep tonight.

Holga

Well, it didn't take me long to get addicted to the Holga camera.
I think this thing's gonna be good for me. It's been a while since I've looked at the world through the eyes of a photographer. I know that sounds weird--it's not like I haven't been taking pictures or anything. But what I mean is--constantly thinking "oh hey, that would be a cool photo." "what if I stand up here, what does that look like?"

My brain needs that sort of exercise. Really takes my mind off things and let's me loose from the hold of my overactive thoughts. Guess it just focuses all that nervous energy on something that can't really be overthought and so it's fun. More's the beauty of this camera: You're not trying to get something perfect (because that's impossible), you have no idea what you're really capturing (you just know you're capturing something), and chances are--it's gonna look sweet when it's developed. A triple win situation.

I sent a roll of film off Saturday so that'll be back soon and I just finished one up tonight..well..kind of botched it I think but...oh well. Not too worried about it. I think tomorrow I might make a playlist and go find somewhere to drive or walk around and just snap away.

House/pet sitting  for the in-laws this weekend! :) It's really nice to have some time to myself. Not that I don't have time to myself at mom and dad's but it's different when there's nobody but you around, I guess. I was thinking about it and it's been like..months..since I've had days at a time to myself. So this is definitely a nice little vacation for me.

It's weird though, usually I feel like I HAVE to be doing something but I've been able to just chill yesterday and today. Slept a lot better too. Like a rock, in fact and that never happens anymore. Maybe it's being around all of Noah's stuff, hah. Definitely makes me feel like he's a little closer, somehow. Guess his presence is just here, you know?

Anyway. Random thought--I really want to learn how to sew. I know how to sew but not that well and I don't do very well with patterns (usually end up wadding them up and throwing them away and going by what I see on the cover...which doesn't work out so well in the way of fitting correctly, usually). I keep thinking about the stuff I saw on Baumholder's website. Granted, we may not even get stationed there...but I'm sure most bases have arts/crafts classes held somewhere. Anyway, one of them was sewing and the other quilting so I think I'm definitely going to try to do that. My grandma was a seamstress forever and a quilt maker. I've always wanted to be good at it and be able to make my own dresses and such (even though fabric is RIDICULOUSLY expensive these days. Which baffles me. If you're doing all the assembly work shouldn't it be cheaper? I mean, that's how it used to be, clearly. And it's nicer because you can make your clothes actually fit you. I could go on for days about how hard it is to actually find proper fitting clothes in stores. And I'm not a stick figure so that doesn't help matters). But I digress. I've been entertaining the idea of learning what I'm doing and then being able to do some seamstress type stuff eventually. But we shall see.

My mom keeps telling me I should consider trying to do some continuing education type stuff or something along those lines so I can get a decent job when we get back to the states or..whenever. I can't say I disagree. I'd still like to pursue the photography thing but without equipment and missing a chunk of important information which my university education somehow didn't cover (lighting, business aspects, and certain aspects of on location set up)...I still need some schooling to round out my degree. I have to say, though, I was pretty pleased with a photo shoot I did for my cousins and their significant others. The pictures turned out really nicely. 

Eh, but anyway. Just some thoughts. I'm off to enjoy the rest of my afternoon.