"with your feet in the air and your head on the ground"

Goodbye, August. I won't miss you.

I've had better months, honestly. I dunno, I've felt a little crazy here lately. A lot of times my head tells my heart things that aren't true and even though I know not to listen, that it's just fears and anxiety left over from stuff in the past...it still gets to me. And I don't know how to get over this stuff. Like scars on my heart. And I knew they were there before...but they're a lot deeper than I knew.

I didn't realize these fears and worries were so bad until I started having nightmares about this stuff. And I can feel the tension in my shoulder blades, the stress it's causing me. I keep dreaming the same things that happened to me then will happen now. And it's ludicrous to even entertain such thoughts at all.
How can I know that to my core and these things still, literally, haunt me like terrible ghosts?

To have anxiety over something that happened in the past...isn't healthy, isn't beneficial, is kind of ridiculous. It already happened. There is no comparison between now and the past--my life is so vastly different than it used to be. I think the culprit is mainly the attitude I adopted for so many years-- "You can only count on yourself." and "Don't get your hopes up." Those were the mottos I fed myself in order to protect my heart because people continually let me down in such big ways...And the fact that they are irrelevant now...that I can't have a guard up...I think I don't know how to really operate without thick walls surrounding me. But I don't need them anymore. I'm being taken care of, I am loved, and everyone who plays an active role in my life now won't let me down. And for my own sake as well as those close to me that love me...I seriously need to get over these things. Way past time to let them go and live more fully and happily as a product.

The birthday has come and gone. I'm 4 days into my 24th year on the planet. It was pretty good. I got some awesome presents from my sister, mom and dad, Terry and Kathy, and Noah surprised me with some beautiful flowers and a sweet note. Among those presents were a kindle! The holga camera I wanted! A cute and awesomely warm snowboard jacket (nooo I don't snowboard--but I needed a new coat that'll stand up to winter and snow)! And some amazing smelling sugar scrub!

I can't wait to start putting the holga to good use. I'm already dreaming up pictures I can take. I'm waiting on the 35mm film adapter that I ordered to get here so I can use regular film as well as 120. And stupid me, leaving my photo enlarger up in boone...I could easily develop my own 120 prints if I had that thing. I'm going to see if I can get in touch with the guys who live in the house now and hope against hope that they didn't throw it away. If not I'm going straight up there and getting it tomorrow if possible. But we'll see.
I knew I'd need that thing. Oh well, it wasn't that expensive if it's gone. My fault for leaving it in the first place. BUT hopefully those dudes are lazy and haven't cleaned out the shed. hopefully.

I'm on my 3rd try for the painting....I've been kind of trying to work off another painting as inspiration and it's just not working. I don't think it works to try to do what someone else does. It always turns out better when I do what I know. Not saying you shouldn't break out of your own box sometimes but I guess you should trust in your own abilities and style more than trying to acheive someone else's.

Ten Things Tuesday Birthday Edition

Brianne always has awesome "Ten Things Tuesdays" and she did one based on things she'd love to have since her birthday was last Friday. Well, mine's this Thursday so I figured I'd give it a whirl:

1. Diana F+ Camera Kit I've been drooling over this little beauty since the day I saw it on lomography.com. Takes such awesome photos. One day...I will have it. Definitely top o' my list.
2. Holga Color Flash Camera Love this camera too! I'll probably get this before an F+ kit. Want to venture into the world of Lomography. It's wayyy cheaper than the F+ kit but still wayyy awesome :

3. Noah and I are thinking this might be the kind of dog we want--Pembroke Welsh Corgi. That silly little grin, those big ears, and short legs!!! I love these little guys!

4. I am obsessed with tea lately. Adorable set:

5. Love this locket. Actually I love all their lockets, pretty much:

6. (no pic for this one) Home Built Screenprint Exposure Unit eventually I want to build one of these.

7. RAW Twisted Teal Hair Dye Such a great color! :) A streak or two would be cute, I think. 8. Sorry mom!...I think this (or some variation) would make an awesome tattoo:

9. Alice postcard set by The Black Apple:

10. Last but most definitely not least-- I wish this one would show up on my doorstep. :) Ah, wishful thinking indeed but I'd give anything to kiss his face and celebrate my birthday with him. (Heh, I don't know what it is about this picture, other than it's of Noah, but it's one of my favorites):

Dream a little dream

I dreamt the waters of a huge river swelled with rain and it's current crashed over the banks and onto the land.
All my things were packed to leave but I stood there watching instead and the water rose up to the windows and seeped inside and all I had was ruined and swept away.
I seemed oddly unbothered by it, a slight hint of remorse that my things were lost and I kept watching the river rise and take over the land.

And the dream dictionary says:
"If the flood is raging then it represents emotional issues and tensions. Your repressed emotions are overwhelming you....another interpretation could be your desire to wipe everything clean and make a fresh new start."

My dreams are always bizzarre and vivid...yet they always seem to make perfect sense in the context of what's going on in my life when I break them down. They really do help me to understand things when I can't always pin down what's bothering me.
Water is the most recurrent theme in my dreams. Usually the ocean. And no matter what happens to me concerning the water (it can be something terrible--I once got sucked out to sea in an undertow in a dream) I always feel calm in the situation. And I always see myself in whatever I'm doing in those dreams--aerial view, an audience to my own involvement.

DIY Kick

So as the title states--I'm on a DIY kick. It's the getting ready to move thing, that's really causing it, I think. Since I'm going to be moving into army housing I'm already thinking about what I can do to liven up the space since I can't paint the walls or really change anything at all.

But that's okay because I spent five years learning how to be more creative, right? Right.
And I did kind of learn how to create art/do what I wanted to do within parameters set by my professors, etc etc (I won't bore you with art talk and lingo) so this is actually, oddly enough, right up my ally.

So I've been thinking about things I can do to the walls but not really do to the walls. And I've found some really cool ideas that I want to try very soon. Among them:This project found on Bon Temps Beignet made from toilet paper/paper towel rolls. Yes. I want to try this myself asap! You should definitely check out her blog--so many awesome craft ideas.

And I got some burlap from the feed mill in town and I intend to stretch them over some old picture frames (because I couldn't find enough canvas stretcher bars at AC Moore...) and do some transfers using some of the FABULOUS graphics I've been finding on this blog: The Graphics Fairy. She has tons of free vintage clip art/graphics.

If the burlap stuff turns out good I think I'm going to make a tutorial to post.

AND I went to the library and got Martha Stewart's encyclopedia of Crafts. Yes. I didn't know this book existed. I hate Martha Stewart's attitude and the fact that she gets paid tons to sit around and think up cute ideas....but hey, you can't deny the lady's awesome ideas. Looks like there's a lot of stuff in it I want to try as well!

So as soon as I get a little more of the wedding plans knocked out I'm going to start doing some of this stuff. Can't wait to get started and hopefully I'll come up with some good stuff.