"with your feet in the air and your head on the ground"

Goodbye, August. I won't miss you.

I've had better months, honestly. I dunno, I've felt a little crazy here lately. A lot of times my head tells my heart things that aren't true and even though I know not to listen, that it's just fears and anxiety left over from stuff in the past...it still gets to me. And I don't know how to get over this stuff. Like scars on my heart. And I knew they were there before...but they're a lot deeper than I knew.

I didn't realize these fears and worries were so bad until I started having nightmares about this stuff. And I can feel the tension in my shoulder blades, the stress it's causing me. I keep dreaming the same things that happened to me then will happen now. And it's ludicrous to even entertain such thoughts at all.
How can I know that to my core and these things still, literally, haunt me like terrible ghosts?

To have anxiety over something that happened in the past...isn't healthy, isn't beneficial, is kind of ridiculous. It already happened. There is no comparison between now and the past--my life is so vastly different than it used to be. I think the culprit is mainly the attitude I adopted for so many years-- "You can only count on yourself." and "Don't get your hopes up." Those were the mottos I fed myself in order to protect my heart because people continually let me down in such big ways...And the fact that they are irrelevant now...that I can't have a guard up...I think I don't know how to really operate without thick walls surrounding me. But I don't need them anymore. I'm being taken care of, I am loved, and everyone who plays an active role in my life now won't let me down. And for my own sake as well as those close to me that love me...I seriously need to get over these things. Way past time to let them go and live more fully and happily as a product.