Road To....?

"Can you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"

"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.

"I don't much care where--" said Alice.

"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.

"--So long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation.

"Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "If only you walk long enough."

Alice felt that this could not be denied.

Wise Cat. That's always been my favorite part of Alice in Wonderland, where the Cat gives her such matter of fact advice.

Sometimes I feel like I'm on this road to nowhere. Stuck in the middle of nothing and nothing.

I floundered around in art school for 5 years thinking there was nothing else I was good at, nothing else I'd rather be doing really. I worked my ass off for a degree in photography and printmaking, both things that I absolutely love, but also not things that I can make a career out of (easily at least). I never went into art school with the intention of being a famous artist. I just wanted to learn how to harness my creativity and expand my knowledge of different processes (which was honestly zilch when I started...I definitely started from scratch coming from a tiny school system like ours).

My mom asks me a lot what I thought I would do with an art degree, what my intentions were upon entering college. "I don't know." Is always my answer. How are you supposed to know at 18 what you want to do with the rest of your life? ...How do you know at age 23?

I will never suggest to anyone that they go to college right after high school. Nor will I ever suggest to anyone that they go to a University over a community college or trade school. University is fine I guess...but it doesn't seem to have done me a whole lot of good. It developed my character, I guess but...I figure I would've got here either way.

And I know, I know--things work out the way they do for a reason (I honestly believe that. I've seen it happen too many times not to believe it). But it's never easy, when the future is foggy, to sit back and say that it'll all work out peachy keen. It's like driving on some mountain road in fog at night without any lines painted on it and no other cars--there are most definitely rocks ahead...you just don't know when you might hit them or how close you'll come to hitting them until you're right up on them. By then, it's probably too late. And a deer is probably going to leap out in front of you at some point also. Guess the only option is to keep your eyes peeled and go slow, right? So you go over the rocks easy and you hopefully stop before you hit the deer.

I want to get into the photography business. I think taking photos of people, for people--to document a time in their lives or their just being on the planet in general...that's pretty respectable. And I'm good at it. And I know how to do it. And I like it.

It's just the getting there. And the "where do i start!?"

I feel that I must be brave about this. Take a deep breath and dive in. It'll happen when I'm ready for it to, I know that...I've never been the type to jump off the high dive without freaking out first. Or...any diving board in general, really. I'll climb up, look down at the water. Stick my toe in to see how cold it is. Probably step back and almost start running, stopping short of the edge. Backing up, hands on rails. Deep breath. ...Another deep breath...And then when I'm as ready as I'll ever be-- take a running leap in.

I guess I'll just have to wait it out. It might be easier to jump in if I didn't have a two week trip planned for the summer/a month that I really want to spend with my boyfriend (things'd be a little different if he wasn't an ocean and some countries away from me. But that time is important and I'm not going to let anything, stand in the way of that). It seems kind of silly to start a new job before that--I don't see it going over very well when I tell them I need two weeks off when I only started a few months before. And like I said, I have it worked out now to where I can spend that time with Noah...and I definitely like that idea. Time is time...it's not like I don't have a job right now...I do. It's not a great job but it's not horrible and it pays the bills. Barely--but it pays them. Things could be worse.

And things will work out. Just have to be patient and let it all fall how it will. No sense in fighting it or worrying it to death.