Maybe if i stood on my head and looked at everything that way the world would look better.
I've got a shitty attitude right now. Not helped by the fact that night after night I can't sleep and also that I'm pretty miserable here. It's not being home, it's not living with my parents--it's just that this isn't where my heart is. But there's not much I can do about that right now. I know it does no good to complain but..what the hell else am I supposed to do when that's how I feel?
It'll be over soon. I know that. But I swear to God, it feels like it will never end sometimes. I tried to think back on the past 2 months yesterday and realized they kind of just slipped by me. So time's passing but it doesn't feel like it at all.
I'm trying my best to stay busy. To keep my mind off negative feelings and thoughts. But that's a lot easier said than done. Nobody said it would be easy, right? Well, nobody told me how to keep my sanity either.
Everybody keeps telling me to enjoy the time I have left here...but what's to enjoy when my life is on hold? It's a brand new feeling, not having your life in the same place you are. Not having your heart in your chest or your head able to concentrate on anything else for very long. The only thing that matters to me anymore is Noah. And our life together. ...And I'm not there to be with him or to live it. I'm frustrated and I'm sad. And words can't express how much I can't wait for this being apart bullshit to come to an end.
And there's nothing to do but wait it out. One long, wasted day after another.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
...can't sleep ramblings
why the hell am I awake?! This not-sleeping thing has got to end soon. I do not approve...and neither does my health, probably.
I figured this would be longer but...it turns out I have nothing to say. Here's hoping I can finally crash and get some sleep tonight.
I figured this would be longer but...it turns out I have nothing to say. Here's hoping I can finally crash and get some sleep tonight.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Holga
Well, it didn't take me long to get addicted to the Holga camera.
I think this thing's gonna be good for me. It's been a while since I've looked at the world through the eyes of a photographer. I know that sounds weird--it's not like I haven't been taking pictures or anything. But what I mean is--constantly thinking "oh hey, that would be a cool photo." "what if I stand up here, what does that look like?"
My brain needs that sort of exercise. Really takes my mind off things and let's me loose from the hold of my overactive thoughts. Guess it just focuses all that nervous energy on something that can't really be overthought and so it's fun. More's the beauty of this camera: You're not trying to get something perfect (because that's impossible), you have no idea what you're really capturing (you just know you're capturing something), and chances are--it's gonna look sweet when it's developed. A triple win situation.
I sent a roll of film off Saturday so that'll be back soon and I just finished one up tonight..well..kind of botched it I think but...oh well. Not too worried about it. I think tomorrow I might make a playlist and go find somewhere to drive or walk around and just snap away.
I think this thing's gonna be good for me. It's been a while since I've looked at the world through the eyes of a photographer. I know that sounds weird--it's not like I haven't been taking pictures or anything. But what I mean is--constantly thinking "oh hey, that would be a cool photo." "what if I stand up here, what does that look like?"
My brain needs that sort of exercise. Really takes my mind off things and let's me loose from the hold of my overactive thoughts. Guess it just focuses all that nervous energy on something that can't really be overthought and so it's fun. More's the beauty of this camera: You're not trying to get something perfect (because that's impossible), you have no idea what you're really capturing (you just know you're capturing something), and chances are--it's gonna look sweet when it's developed. A triple win situation.
I sent a roll of film off Saturday so that'll be back soon and I just finished one up tonight..well..kind of botched it I think but...oh well. Not too worried about it. I think tomorrow I might make a playlist and go find somewhere to drive or walk around and just snap away.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
House/pet sitting for the in-laws this weekend! :) It's really nice to have some time to myself. Not that I don't have time to myself at mom and dad's but it's different when there's nobody but you around, I guess. I was thinking about it and it's been like..months..since I've had days at a time to myself. So this is definitely a nice little vacation for me.
It's weird though, usually I feel like I HAVE to be doing something but I've been able to just chill yesterday and today. Slept a lot better too. Like a rock, in fact and that never happens anymore. Maybe it's being around all of Noah's stuff, hah. Definitely makes me feel like he's a little closer, somehow. Guess his presence is just here, you know?
Anyway. Random thought--I really want to learn how to sew. I know how to sew but not that well and I don't do very well with patterns (usually end up wadding them up and throwing them away and going by what I see on the cover...which doesn't work out so well in the way of fitting correctly, usually). I keep thinking about the stuff I saw on Baumholder's website. Granted, we may not even get stationed there...but I'm sure most bases have arts/crafts classes held somewhere. Anyway, one of them was sewing and the other quilting so I think I'm definitely going to try to do that. My grandma was a seamstress forever and a quilt maker. I've always wanted to be good at it and be able to make my own dresses and such (even though fabric is RIDICULOUSLY expensive these days. Which baffles me. If you're doing all the assembly work shouldn't it be cheaper? I mean, that's how it used to be, clearly. And it's nicer because you can make your clothes actually fit you. I could go on for days about how hard it is to actually find proper fitting clothes in stores. And I'm not a stick figure so that doesn't help matters). But I digress. I've been entertaining the idea of learning what I'm doing and then being able to do some seamstress type stuff eventually. But we shall see.
My mom keeps telling me I should consider trying to do some continuing education type stuff or something along those lines so I can get a decent job when we get back to the states or..whenever. I can't say I disagree. I'd still like to pursue the photography thing but without equipment and missing a chunk of important information which my university education somehow didn't cover (lighting, business aspects, and certain aspects of on location set up)...I still need some schooling to round out my degree. I have to say, though, I was pretty pleased with a photo shoot I did for my cousins and their significant others. The pictures turned out really nicely.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
"with your feet in the air and your head on the ground"
Goodbye, August. I won't miss you.
I've had better months, honestly. I dunno, I've felt a little crazy here lately. A lot of times my head tells my heart things that aren't true and even though I know not to listen, that it's just fears and anxiety left over from stuff in the past...it still gets to me. And I don't know how to get over this stuff. Like scars on my heart. And I knew they were there before...but they're a lot deeper than I knew.
I didn't realize these fears and worries were so bad until I started having nightmares about this stuff. And I can feel the tension in my shoulder blades, the stress it's causing me. I keep dreaming the same things that happened to me then will happen now. And it's ludicrous to even entertain such thoughts at all.
How can I know that to my core and these things still, literally, haunt me like terrible ghosts?
To have anxiety over something that happened in the past...isn't healthy, isn't beneficial, is kind of ridiculous. It already happened. There is no comparison between now and the past--my life is so vastly different than it used to be. I think the culprit is mainly the attitude I adopted for so many years-- "You can only count on yourself." and "Don't get your hopes up." Those were the mottos I fed myself in order to protect my heart because people continually let me down in such big ways...And the fact that they are irrelevant now...that I can't have a guard up...I think I don't know how to really operate without thick walls surrounding me. But I don't need them anymore. I'm being taken care of, I am loved, and everyone who plays an active role in my life now won't let me down. And for my own sake as well as those close to me that love me...I seriously need to get over these things. Way past time to let them go and live more fully and happily as a product.
I've had better months, honestly. I dunno, I've felt a little crazy here lately. A lot of times my head tells my heart things that aren't true and even though I know not to listen, that it's just fears and anxiety left over from stuff in the past...it still gets to me. And I don't know how to get over this stuff. Like scars on my heart. And I knew they were there before...but they're a lot deeper than I knew.
I didn't realize these fears and worries were so bad until I started having nightmares about this stuff. And I can feel the tension in my shoulder blades, the stress it's causing me. I keep dreaming the same things that happened to me then will happen now. And it's ludicrous to even entertain such thoughts at all.
How can I know that to my core and these things still, literally, haunt me like terrible ghosts?
To have anxiety over something that happened in the past...isn't healthy, isn't beneficial, is kind of ridiculous. It already happened. There is no comparison between now and the past--my life is so vastly different than it used to be. I think the culprit is mainly the attitude I adopted for so many years-- "You can only count on yourself." and "Don't get your hopes up." Those were the mottos I fed myself in order to protect my heart because people continually let me down in such big ways...And the fact that they are irrelevant now...that I can't have a guard up...I think I don't know how to really operate without thick walls surrounding me. But I don't need them anymore. I'm being taken care of, I am loved, and everyone who plays an active role in my life now won't let me down. And for my own sake as well as those close to me that love me...I seriously need to get over these things. Way past time to let them go and live more fully and happily as a product.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
The birthday has come and gone. I'm 4 days into my 24th year on the planet. It was pretty good. I got some awesome presents from my sister, mom and dad, Terry and Kathy, and Noah surprised me with some beautiful flowers and a sweet note. Among those presents were a kindle! The holga camera I wanted! A cute and awesomely warm snowboard jacket (nooo I don't snowboard--but I needed a new coat that'll stand up to winter and snow)! And some amazing smelling sugar scrub!
I can't wait to start putting the holga to good use. I'm already dreaming up pictures I can take. I'm waiting on the 35mm film adapter that I ordered to get here so I can use regular film as well as 120. And stupid me, leaving my photo enlarger up in boone...I could easily develop my own 120 prints if I had that thing. I'm going to see if I can get in touch with the guys who live in the house now and hope against hope that they didn't throw it away. If not I'm going straight up there and getting it tomorrow if possible. But we'll see.
I knew I'd need that thing. Oh well, it wasn't that expensive if it's gone. My fault for leaving it in the first place. BUT hopefully those dudes are lazy and haven't cleaned out the shed. hopefully.
I'm on my 3rd try for the painting....I've been kind of trying to work off another painting as inspiration and it's just not working. I don't think it works to try to do what someone else does. It always turns out better when I do what I know. Not saying you shouldn't break out of your own box sometimes but I guess you should trust in your own abilities and style more than trying to acheive someone else's.
I can't wait to start putting the holga to good use. I'm already dreaming up pictures I can take. I'm waiting on the 35mm film adapter that I ordered to get here so I can use regular film as well as 120. And stupid me, leaving my photo enlarger up in boone...I could easily develop my own 120 prints if I had that thing. I'm going to see if I can get in touch with the guys who live in the house now and hope against hope that they didn't throw it away. If not I'm going straight up there and getting it tomorrow if possible. But we'll see.
I knew I'd need that thing. Oh well, it wasn't that expensive if it's gone. My fault for leaving it in the first place. BUT hopefully those dudes are lazy and haven't cleaned out the shed. hopefully.
I'm on my 3rd try for the painting....I've been kind of trying to work off another painting as inspiration and it's just not working. I don't think it works to try to do what someone else does. It always turns out better when I do what I know. Not saying you shouldn't break out of your own box sometimes but I guess you should trust in your own abilities and style more than trying to acheive someone else's.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Ten Things Tuesday Birthday Edition
Brianne always has awesome "Ten Things Tuesdays" and she did one based on things she'd love to have since her birthday was last Friday. Well, mine's this Thursday so I figured I'd give it a whirl:
1. Diana F+ Camera Kit I've been drooling over this little beauty since the day I saw it on lomography.com. Takes such awesome photos. One day...I will have it. Definitely top o' my list.
2. Holga Color Flash Camera Love this camera too! I'll probably get this before an F+ kit. Want to venture into the world of Lomography. It's wayyy cheaper than the F+ kit but still wayyy awesome :
3. Noah and I are thinking this might be the kind of dog we want--Pembroke Welsh Corgi. That silly little grin, those big ears, and short legs!!! I love these little guys!
4. I am obsessed with tea lately. Adorable set:
5. Love this locket. Actually I love all their lockets, pretty much:
10. Last but most definitely not least-- I wish this one would show up on my doorstep. :) Ah, wishful thinking indeed but I'd give anything to kiss his face and celebrate my birthday with him. (Heh, I don't know what it is about this picture, other than it's of Noah, but it's one of my favorites):
1. Diana F+ Camera Kit I've been drooling over this little beauty since the day I saw it on lomography.com. Takes such awesome photos. One day...I will have it. Definitely top o' my list.
2. Holga Color Flash Camera Love this camera too! I'll probably get this before an F+ kit. Want to venture into the world of Lomography. It's wayyy cheaper than the F+ kit but still wayyy awesome :
3. Noah and I are thinking this might be the kind of dog we want--Pembroke Welsh Corgi. That silly little grin, those big ears, and short legs!!! I love these little guys! 4. I am obsessed with tea lately. Adorable set:5. Love this locket. Actually I love all their lockets, pretty much:
7. RAW Twisted Teal Hair Dye Such a great color! :) A streak or two would be cute, I think. 
10. Last but most definitely not least-- I wish this one would show up on my doorstep. :) Ah, wishful thinking indeed but I'd give anything to kiss his face and celebrate my birthday with him. (Heh, I don't know what it is about this picture, other than it's of Noah, but it's one of my favorites):
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