Hm, seems to be my habit to update this yearly. I don't even know that it's worth it. Truth is--I'm NOT a good blogger.
Instagrammer--that's another ballgame.
For anybody wondering-- My life has had a lot of upheaval over the past year. Good things and bad things. Noah got home last August from his deployment. We went to Jamaica and Colorado in September. My dad got sick in October and passed away in November. I was home in NC in October and then again from November until the first of the year. I'm still doing the dog grooming thing. Still doing the art thing (though not nearly as much as I used too). Feel like I've kind of been on this crazy, intense, confusing part of my spiritual journey for a while now--God's working on me (as will always be the case, I guess). And keeps telling me to to do things I don't want to do but need to do--change, both outward and inward, is often very painful and difficult, I've discovered. But that's another blog post for another time, perhaps.
Anyway. If nothing else this last year has taught me a lot. About life. About death. About love. And I mean I've only breached the tip of the iceberg in all those areas.
On the upcoming: I'm going to be taking an online workshop in painting by Stephanie Corfee (love her artwork) this month--I'm super excited about that. Have a trip to Washington state planned for June that I'm also super excited about. Noah's parents are coming to visit after that which should be fun. Noah and I are planning on seeing the Grand Canyon sometime early fall and then I guess it'll be home for the holidays with any luck.
Time...where does it go?
In the meantime, perhaps I'll try updating this more. ...or not. I dunno. Hah if you want to keep up with me maybe Instagram is the way to go after all ;).
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Something I hate about army life
Besides the obvious things that are to hate about army life (deployments, mainly). My number one hate about army life? "Friends".
I feel like a lot of the time "friends" are made out of absolute necessity for the most part. And in that--there's a lot of fakeness. There are only a very few people I've met thus far in my military spouse journey who I'd actually consider friends. Real friends. Everyone else...it's almost parasitic. Clinging until they find their next prey/someone they think they like better. Because of this..and running into it recently...I feel used. Irritated. And more antisocial than usual.
It's a pretty well known fact among those that know me (at least I'm pretty sure it is) that I don't get a long with most women. It usually takes pretty atypical women (lacking in drama, not catty, etc) for me to even consider giving the title of friend to. And if I give you that title...then I'm kind of sunk in building and maintaining a friendship. Something real and deeper than just surface clinginess. And I guess I made the mistake of trying to open up more as my husband is away and...well...I do need some company other than just the dog sometimes. And not being too picky in who I try to be friends with (like I usually am). Not to say I haven't found it in some people here but I've made a mistake in tearing down that wall with at least one person in particular only to regret it now. This doesn't do much for the aforementioned general dislike of my gender. And somehow the bad egg makes a deeper mark than the good ones. Scarring.
I could ramble on more but suffice to say-- Tonight? I miss Noah. And Home. And my real, true friends. I'd give a lot to be sitting at a table full of such genuine, good hearted people--raising a beer together to the knowledge that we've been friends since we met and we always will be (even despite time and distance). My heart aches for THAT sense of belonging. I don't think I realized fully that I had that in my life til the last year and a half. Hindsight--20/20.
I feel like a lot of the time "friends" are made out of absolute necessity for the most part. And in that--there's a lot of fakeness. There are only a very few people I've met thus far in my military spouse journey who I'd actually consider friends. Real friends. Everyone else...it's almost parasitic. Clinging until they find their next prey/someone they think they like better. Because of this..and running into it recently...I feel used. Irritated. And more antisocial than usual.
It's a pretty well known fact among those that know me (at least I'm pretty sure it is) that I don't get a long with most women. It usually takes pretty atypical women (lacking in drama, not catty, etc) for me to even consider giving the title of friend to. And if I give you that title...then I'm kind of sunk in building and maintaining a friendship. Something real and deeper than just surface clinginess. And I guess I made the mistake of trying to open up more as my husband is away and...well...I do need some company other than just the dog sometimes. And not being too picky in who I try to be friends with (like I usually am). Not to say I haven't found it in some people here but I've made a mistake in tearing down that wall with at least one person in particular only to regret it now. This doesn't do much for the aforementioned general dislike of my gender. And somehow the bad egg makes a deeper mark than the good ones. Scarring.
I could ramble on more but suffice to say-- Tonight? I miss Noah. And Home. And my real, true friends. I'd give a lot to be sitting at a table full of such genuine, good hearted people--raising a beer together to the knowledge that we've been friends since we met and we always will be (even despite time and distance). My heart aches for THAT sense of belonging. I don't think I realized fully that I had that in my life til the last year and a half. Hindsight--20/20.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
25 year old morning thoughts
So I'm 25 today. Officially at like...7:01 PM...or something like that. I'll have to ask mom to be sure, I could have that completely off.
I don't feel any different. Just the same me I've felt like for the last 2 or 3 years, give or take.
This morning, on my 25th birthday, I woke up thinking that I want electric blue in my hair. I may make that happen Tuesday. I also started thinking about this here world we live in.
I guess these are weird thoughts to be having on one's birthday but eh, after about 17 I kinda stopped liking birthdays so...it really just feels like any other day except cake is involved. And anyway, we're celebrating tomorrow instead of today.
But I digress. After thinking about blue hair, I started thinking about the world, again. And I've been thinking about it a lot lately. You know, I just don't get it. I think I must've been born into the wrong era. I belong back in the day somewhere. Not in 2012. My morals, my desires...they just don't match up with the American standard I'm surrounded with. Or the Earth standard I'm surrounded with, even.
It gets me down, man.
I can't help but wonder what happened to integrity. ...wait this is a Goldfinger song. Yes--Spokesman by Goldfinger. Anyway. What happened to the idea that people need to think about other people more often than themselves? What is SO bad about trying to make other people happy, especially those you love? I'm sick and tired of seeing nothing but selfishness in people. I'm tired of seeing and hearing about people cheating on their spouses. I'm angry at the fact that people can't do things for others without being told or wanting something in return. I've about had it up to here with women who dress and act the way they think men want them to because sex sells and they don't respect themselves more than that. (these are just examples of things I'm baffled by and fed up with.)
And there's nothing I can do about it. Except hate it all and wish the world would wake up and be better.
Sometimes it feels like I (and maybe a few others) am the only one who strives for betterness. I'm not saying I'm perfect or have all the answers--I wish--but if there's one thing I can say...it's that I TRY really hard to be a better person than I am at a base level. To think and care about other people rather than just myself and go to great lengths to make those I love happy if that's what it takes.
On my 25th birthday...I wish that people would just try harder. and care.
On my 25th birthday...I just keep thinking how I'd like to pull a Walden Pond experience and just get away from the oppressiveness I feel from the world around me most of the time. Get back to the basics and live like humans were intended to live. And really LIVE! Have real experiences. Not just..."do what you do to get by" to quote Against Me!
On my 25th birthday...I wonder if anybody else sees the world like this and is with me.
On my 25th birthday...I wonder what I can do to make the world I don't fit in a little bit nicer place or if there's anything I can do to make a difference.
I'm not depressed about it. I'm just thinking. And wishing the world wasn't so...jaded. Or...maybe that I would be less jaded about the world. Or both.
I'm 25. And I just wanna feel like I'm getting the most out of life. And sometimes I really do feel that way. And I need to figure out how to fill up my life with really LIVING. and loving. And caring.
It seems most people value the fact that they don't care about anything. They think it makes them free.
....I disagree. I think it traps you inside yourself. Because what you really care about when you don't care about "anything" is you and only you. And that's living inside a tight, suffocating bubble.
And I refuse.
I don't feel any different. Just the same me I've felt like for the last 2 or 3 years, give or take.
This morning, on my 25th birthday, I woke up thinking that I want electric blue in my hair. I may make that happen Tuesday. I also started thinking about this here world we live in.
I guess these are weird thoughts to be having on one's birthday but eh, after about 17 I kinda stopped liking birthdays so...it really just feels like any other day except cake is involved. And anyway, we're celebrating tomorrow instead of today.
But I digress. After thinking about blue hair, I started thinking about the world, again. And I've been thinking about it a lot lately. You know, I just don't get it. I think I must've been born into the wrong era. I belong back in the day somewhere. Not in 2012. My morals, my desires...they just don't match up with the American standard I'm surrounded with. Or the Earth standard I'm surrounded with, even.
It gets me down, man.
I can't help but wonder what happened to integrity. ...wait this is a Goldfinger song. Yes--Spokesman by Goldfinger. Anyway. What happened to the idea that people need to think about other people more often than themselves? What is SO bad about trying to make other people happy, especially those you love? I'm sick and tired of seeing nothing but selfishness in people. I'm tired of seeing and hearing about people cheating on their spouses. I'm angry at the fact that people can't do things for others without being told or wanting something in return. I've about had it up to here with women who dress and act the way they think men want them to because sex sells and they don't respect themselves more than that. (these are just examples of things I'm baffled by and fed up with.)
And there's nothing I can do about it. Except hate it all and wish the world would wake up and be better.
Sometimes it feels like I (and maybe a few others) am the only one who strives for betterness. I'm not saying I'm perfect or have all the answers--I wish--but if there's one thing I can say...it's that I TRY really hard to be a better person than I am at a base level. To think and care about other people rather than just myself and go to great lengths to make those I love happy if that's what it takes.
On my 25th birthday...I wish that people would just try harder. and care.
On my 25th birthday...I just keep thinking how I'd like to pull a Walden Pond experience and just get away from the oppressiveness I feel from the world around me most of the time. Get back to the basics and live like humans were intended to live. And really LIVE! Have real experiences. Not just..."do what you do to get by" to quote Against Me!
On my 25th birthday...I wonder if anybody else sees the world like this and is with me.
On my 25th birthday...I wonder what I can do to make the world I don't fit in a little bit nicer place or if there's anything I can do to make a difference.
I'm not depressed about it. I'm just thinking. And wishing the world wasn't so...jaded. Or...maybe that I would be less jaded about the world. Or both.
I'm 25. And I just wanna feel like I'm getting the most out of life. And sometimes I really do feel that way. And I need to figure out how to fill up my life with really LIVING. and loving. And caring.
It seems most people value the fact that they don't care about anything. They think it makes them free.
....I disagree. I think it traps you inside yourself. Because what you really care about when you don't care about "anything" is you and only you. And that's living inside a tight, suffocating bubble.
And I refuse.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
NC
When I woke up on the flight from Dallas we were right over Charlotte and I never thought my heart would swell that much at the sight of a place. You can say what you want about North Carolina but nobody will ever be able to convince me that this isn't the best state in the U.S. :). It really is beautiful here. All the green is just feeding my eyes and heart, it feels like.
Don't get me wrong--I'm happy to be in El Paso with Noah. My heart belongs wherever he is. But my feet...ah, my feet belong here on this soil.
Don't get me wrong--I'm happy to be in El Paso with Noah. My heart belongs wherever he is. But my feet...ah, my feet belong here on this soil.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
25 on the 25th wishlist! :)
Well, I'm turning 25 on the 25th! For anyone who wants to shower me with gifts or buy my love ;) here're some ideas.
size 15, color: thunderbolt blue
2. These jeans from Target:
size 15, color: medium wash
3. skirt...from Target...:
4. shirt....from...Target...
5. lol, okay so maybe just a target gift card...I love all their clothes.
6. star nose screw for my new nose piercing! ;) yes, i got my nose pierced today :D
7. Awesome Van Gogh Kindle Decal Skin
8. The Hunger Games movie!!! Coming out the 18th!
and...
9. Since the army says he can't be here on my birthday :(-- a phone call from my amazingly hot and wonderful husband :). Hopefully he'll be able to call!!
maaaybe i'll add more later but for now, that's really all that comes to mind.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
The mountains will bring me comfort. The smell of white dianthus flowers in the side yard always means the roads I have followed have brought me back home. Sleep hasn't come easy for a long time now. I'm hoping cicadas singing outside at night in the grass will send me off to the sleep I used to know.
My heart's a little cracked with all this desert heat.
My heart's a little cracked with all this desert heat.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Bucket List, Military Wives, The Resolution, and Other Thoughts
So yesterday was a pretty awesome day. I went to check out the military wives group at the church I've been going to here in El Paso. First off, the ladies seem great! There were only about 6 of us yesterday but that's fine. And the most bizarre connection happened, lol. I met Cindy, who lived in Hickory, NC right next door to Taylorsville. Turns out...her husband was Noah's army recruiter 5 years ago. AND they have 2 corgis! What are the odds? We're going to try to hang out this weekend and let the pups play together! I'm pretty excited about that.
The group is going through and reading/studying this book called The Resolution for Women. If you've seen the movies Fireproof (which I haven't seen yet actually) and Courageous (which I recommend for anyone but especially men and especially, especially fathers/fathers-to-be) ((it's a realy awesome movie. Typically I don't make a habit of watching "religious" movies...but that one was absolutely great. I loved it and would love to watch it again in fact). Anyway. In Courageous, if you haven't seen it, these regular joe dudes, who happen to be husbands and fathers, decide that they want to change the way they do things and be the best possible fathers, husbands, members of the community that they can be. So they make a resolution with each other and sign it. I don't remember what all it says but it's pretty outstanding. I know it was just a movie but...why not implement things like that into our lives for real?
I've just been thinking a lot lately: I don't want to look back on my life at the end and wish that I had done things drastically different.
There's no such thing as "no regrets". But I think there is such a thing as incredibly satisfied. Satisfied that you've made mistakes but tried to right and learn from them. Satisfied that you loved the people in your life to the best of your ability. Satisfied that you were a good parent, wife/husband, friend. That you were honest. That you fulfilled your purpose in this life.
And it was crazy because I'd been thinking all that before I went to this group and then the very first section we went through in the book talked about being satisfied. The first point on the book's resolution list is: "I do solemnly resolve to embrace my current season of life and will maximize my time in it. I will resist the urge to hurry through or circumvent any portion of my journey but will live with a spirit of contentment."
...You can't tell me it's just coincidence. You know, I've been praying a lot lately. A lot, a lot. I had at least two prayers answered clearly in one day:
1)That people would be put in my path to be friends with and encourage my spiritual growth. --This group is perfect for that. Ladies who are there for the same reason I am, who want to grow spiritually and are military wives in the same position I am. And are so nice and lovely and I felt comfortable around them.
2)Help in being a better me, the best me I can be. --I mean, that's what this book is all about. And I didn't really know that going into it. I just knew it was a book study with military wives discussing God's purpose for us as women/wives/moms/friends.
It's becoming more clear to me that praying isn't just talking to the ceiling (although admittedly, sometimes it feels like it...). It's nice to be able to see the connections and know that there's a path for me to follow, that life is more than just a string of coincidences. It's purposeful. And you are given what you need.
Also, in line with these thoughts. I'm thinking about starting a bucket list. Things that I definitely want to do, see and experience in my life. It's kind of daunting though, lol. I feel like if I make this list I'm definitely and seriously committing to those things (I hate making a to do list and not doing everything on it...like, it kills me to not complete a to do list--thank you art school). So I dunno. It's a maybe. It would be pretty cool though.
The group is going through and reading/studying this book called The Resolution for Women. If you've seen the movies Fireproof (which I haven't seen yet actually) and Courageous (which I recommend for anyone but especially men and especially, especially fathers/fathers-to-be) ((it's a realy awesome movie. Typically I don't make a habit of watching "religious" movies...but that one was absolutely great. I loved it and would love to watch it again in fact). Anyway. In Courageous, if you haven't seen it, these regular joe dudes, who happen to be husbands and fathers, decide that they want to change the way they do things and be the best possible fathers, husbands, members of the community that they can be. So they make a resolution with each other and sign it. I don't remember what all it says but it's pretty outstanding. I know it was just a movie but...why not implement things like that into our lives for real?
I've just been thinking a lot lately: I don't want to look back on my life at the end and wish that I had done things drastically different.
There's no such thing as "no regrets". But I think there is such a thing as incredibly satisfied. Satisfied that you've made mistakes but tried to right and learn from them. Satisfied that you loved the people in your life to the best of your ability. Satisfied that you were a good parent, wife/husband, friend. That you were honest. That you fulfilled your purpose in this life.
And it was crazy because I'd been thinking all that before I went to this group and then the very first section we went through in the book talked about being satisfied. The first point on the book's resolution list is: "I do solemnly resolve to embrace my current season of life and will maximize my time in it. I will resist the urge to hurry through or circumvent any portion of my journey but will live with a spirit of contentment."
...You can't tell me it's just coincidence. You know, I've been praying a lot lately. A lot, a lot. I had at least two prayers answered clearly in one day:
1)That people would be put in my path to be friends with and encourage my spiritual growth. --This group is perfect for that. Ladies who are there for the same reason I am, who want to grow spiritually and are military wives in the same position I am. And are so nice and lovely and I felt comfortable around them.
2)Help in being a better me, the best me I can be. --I mean, that's what this book is all about. And I didn't really know that going into it. I just knew it was a book study with military wives discussing God's purpose for us as women/wives/moms/friends.
It's becoming more clear to me that praying isn't just talking to the ceiling (although admittedly, sometimes it feels like it...). It's nice to be able to see the connections and know that there's a path for me to follow, that life is more than just a string of coincidences. It's purposeful. And you are given what you need.
Also, in line with these thoughts. I'm thinking about starting a bucket list. Things that I definitely want to do, see and experience in my life. It's kind of daunting though, lol. I feel like if I make this list I'm definitely and seriously committing to those things (I hate making a to do list and not doing everything on it...like, it kills me to not complete a to do list--thank you art school). So I dunno. It's a maybe. It would be pretty cool though.
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